Live Laugh
Love

you can say sorry a million times, say i love you as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. if you can't show it, words don't mean a thing.

don't say things that we don't mean. don't lie in order to satisfy somebody for a moment because the pain that you cause them can last them for a lifetime. 

i think there's something kind of beautiful about it; your mind and body adapting so deftly to the presence of another person that the mingling of two lives, two stories, two sets of thoughts and beliefs feel effortless. it's possible for someone to occupy a space in your life in such a specific way that their absence creates a very real sense that a part of you is missing. it is indeed beautiful. 

i'd like to say that there was an inciting incident, a reason we ceased to function as a couple, but it was more like a slow, creeping disdain. in the end, habit was all we had left, and i came to realise that what i'd lost was lost a long time ago. for months, our relationship had been the romantic equivalent of a zombie - a walking, talking, undead imitation of us - and it was finally put to rest. 

stuff comes apart. an eggshell is never going to come back together. a window will never un-break. it’s called the second law of thermodynamics. it’s also called life. stuff rarely comes together but it’ll always come apart.

when did the relationship end? never properly did really. never properly got started either. i thought it was a relationship. but it was nothing like a real one, a proper two-way thing. it was push, pull, here today, gone tomorrow, back again, in, out ... mind-fuckery off the Richter scale. almost sent me to the nuthouse after a while.

before i really knew it, he had control of me. he could be a complete angel like he was at the beginning. that was what kept me there. that magical feeling he'd given me at the start. i was forever working to recapture it, never really knowing just what the fuck i'd done wrong. but just as everything would settle down and i'd start to feel comfortable again, the devil would reappear.
that man accused me of all sorts, things i've never been accused of before. things i know I'm not. he could create an argument out of fresh air. the same circular argument that could never be resolved, over and over again.
it was exhausting, always defending myself for no reason, justifying myself. it kept me forever on the back foot, second guessing myself, working hard to regain his affection.

it was like he'd brainwashed me somehow. turned me into this slave who did everything i could to please him., anything not to upset him. i knew exactly who i was before i met him and where i was going... by the time it all came out, i didn't recognise myself.

i'm trying to believe Leona Lewis that all will get better in time. too many thoughts are running through my head right now... when we know that questions cant be answered, why do we bother asking them?

what you call kindness and sweetness, i call weakness.

"once, i saw a bee drown in honey, and i understood."
- Nikos Kazantzakis

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